Science Proves: Americans Are The World's Only Human Beings!

By Susie Day
Apr 30, 2003, 16:36

Recent evidence demonstrates beyond doubt, analysts say, that citizens of he United States alone possess the properties belonging to homo sapiens. The discovery was announced today at the Center for Global Disaster, a Washington-based conservative think tank. Dr. Richard Shrapnel, Head of the Center, called the finding a paradigm shift. "Hell, I'd bet my opposable thumbs on it," he stated.

The enormity of the finding, coupled with its serendipitous nature, leads scientists to compare it with the discovery of plutonium. "Because of the Gulf crisis, our research funding was cut," Dr. Shrapnel explained, "so we at the CGD were reduced to watching hours of TV war news and reading the major tabloids. Over and over again, we saw Americans embodying dignity, worth, the ability to self-actualize through reason and will power --traits that comprise what we think of as human.

Conversely, non-Americans -- Iraqis, for example -- repeatedly appeared not to have these qualities. We were stumped. Then, one day, we looked at each other and realized we'd stumbled on the key to Western civilization: United States citizens are human beings! All the other nationalities are just people wanna-be's!"

Researchers immediately set out to test their hypothesis by interviewing typical Americans on the street.

"For cryin' out loud," exclaimed Sy Plunderton, real estate broker and ex-Marine. "Any moron can see the Iraqis aren't human. They die; we don't care. What more proof you want? Sheesh, you eggheads take forever to figure things out."

Christine Detritus, marketing consultant, agrees. "I support our troops. They're human beings, for God's sake. Not like those whining Iraqis who complain every time we bomb them and destroy their property like it was the World Trade Center or something. They just don't value human life the way we do."

Scholars predict this breakthrough will profoundly affect major academic disciplines, particularly the field of anthropology. "It could reconfigure the concept of evolution, itself," surmises Dr. Joan Bloodloss, Senior Fellow at The American Homunculus Foundation. "Although we still believe our species began in Africa, we are now beginning to see that those individuals who migrated north and westward -- particularly across the Atlantic Ocean -- developed more advanced traits as they went, until they reached the North American continent, just below Canada and above Mexico, where they became full human beings.

Those who migrated in other directions have remained essentially bipedal primates. You'll see this pattern all across Europe, I believe -- except for the French, who are rapidly devolving. The Iraqis? I'm not even sure if they're mammals. We won't really know until we can stuff some of them and put them in museums."

Psychiatry is also expected to undergo revolutionary changes in the wake of this study. Psychotherapists continue to view their chief goal as instilling in their patients a healthy self-concept; however, a healthy self-concept for an {American} patient now appears to be an advanced state of megalomania. Dr. Siegfried Schadenfreude, author of {I'm OK, You're in a Detention Camp}, observes, "The balanced, functional American sincerely believes that he or she alone matters, and is imbued with godlike powers over life on this planet.

If you're merely self-centered or infantile, you're not going to make it in this world. For example, I had a homosexual man come to me, who was deeply troubled by the killing in Iraq. But I convinced him that, since he couldn't justify the war as a 'gay issue,' he needn't worry about it. Now, my client is as grandiose and fatuous as George Bush, himself. It's living proof that, in America, anyone can be President."

American news media endeavor to reflect just this sort of reality and, by all accounts, continue to do an excellent job of reporting the travails of U.S. and proto-human British troops in the Gulf. In the interest of maintaining total objectivity, however, American media seldom portray the damage and suffering incurred by whatever life form resides in Iraq. A recent CNN report, for instance, allowed an American airman with his arm in a sling 4 minutes to describe the difficulties his unit experiences outside Basra, then cut to a soundless, .75-second clip of a screaming Iraqi toddler, his head covered with blood.

One of the frequently shown and most objective news photos has been the image of orange smoke blossoming over the city of Baghdad. "That's a town of almost 6 million people," said Lynn Oilrig, TV news anchor. "It's like we were bombing New York City -- except, of course, that there are hardly any human beings in Baghdad."

Coverage of this professional caliber is likely the reason many top U.S. government officials indicate that Syria may be the next target. Brigadier General Melvin Bottlerocket, military advisor to the U.S. Shadow Government, admitted, on condition of anonymity, that the war frequently upsets him. "I've had eyewitness reports of a four-year-old Iraqi girl whose back was broken on the first night of shelling," he said. "Hundreds of children, mothers, fathers, old people have been killed outright, incinerated, heads blown off, homes destroyed. I feel awful. Then I just turn on TV news and remember -- Hey, that's how the West was won. Of course, being Caucasian helps, but this isn't a 'master-race' thing. Any American can get in on this deal -- right, Colin?"

Chuckling in a humanitarian fashion, the General excused himself to go memorize a few xenophobic jokes with which to bolster officer morale.

(c)Susie Day, 2003

© Copyright 2003 by WBAI - Pacifica Radio

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